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Offline noquiexis

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From the Inbox
« on: January 26, 2017, 04:09:37 PM »
     These are jokes, stories, and observation that have come from my inbox. I hope you like them!

Smart Ass Answers

     It was mealtime during an airline flight..
     'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
     'What are my choices?' John asked.
     'Yes or no,' she replied.


     A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


     A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'


     The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


     A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

     Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

     A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

     A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

     The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Women over 50!
attributed to Andy Rooney

     In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 50.
60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

     “As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

     A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night & ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

     If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She goes and does something she wants to do, & it's usually more interesting.

     Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

     Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

     Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

     Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

     Older women are forthright and honest.. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

     Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

     For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’ Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!”

     Andy Rooney was a really smart guy!

Quotes from: The Relic]]The Relic

Medical examiner to detective during autopsy of decapitated body:
Dr. Zwiezic: Seven decapitations in one week. Don't you just hate killers, who take head and never give it?
Lt. Vincent D'Agosta: You're bad, Matilda.

Margo Green: Using superstition to bring people to the museum is like hiring topless ushers for the Bolshoi Ballet.
Dr. Whitney Frock: Well if they did, I might go to the Ballet.

     I hope this plays in England so that Everhard can see it!

TGI Fridays Bar in Manchester, England

8) ;) 8)

Brain Study....

     Wow! It took me a few seconds, but then I got the hang of it. I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers. Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind. If English is not your primary language, it may be harder to read.

F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?

7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
R34D1NG 17
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.

 8) ;D 8)

Catholic Coffee Morning in Rome

      Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square . The first Catholic man tells his friends,
     "My son is a  priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."  The second Catholic man chirps,
     "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."  The third Catholic gent says,
     "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room, everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."  The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
     "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle,
     "Well....?" She proudly replies,
     "I have a daughter. She is slim and tall, with 40 DD breasts, a 24 inch waist, and 34 inch hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God!"

     You just never know what might happen next time you go out for a quiet cup of coffee!

     I would hate to work this hard to have a glass of wine.

A Glass of Red (video)
Annabel Carberry

 ;D ;D ;D

     Michael Paul Smith builds models of old automobiles. He creates entire sets for the autos, and then photographs the layouts (on a folding table) against real backgrounds. These pictures remind me of a few Twilight Zone episodes!

     Warning to dial-up networking users! There are 192 pictures here!

     The ever fun-loving and adventurous Feodora wants me to take her for a ride.

Pictures from Around the World

     I received an e-mail containing some interesting pictures. Luckily there were captions on the pictures, and I was able to trace the pictures back to their source. Take a peek and see what yopu think:

     A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone  failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone  rang.

     The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wetground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

More Pictures from Around the World

Note: n x n means pixels wide by pixels tall. Images below are constrained to 500 pixels wide.

     Now I have heard everything!

:)) :)) :))

     This picture is from a fractal art website. They use image theft protection on that website, so you will have to go there to see the picture.

"Nice Legs" by Dimitrios Xenos

 ;) ;) ;)

I got this from another serior citizen:

     To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors instead of illegal's in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

     Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home. I started to cry when I thought of you. Then it dawned on me ... Oh, crap ....I'll see you on the bus!

:)) :)) :))

Abbott and Costello explain the US Government's Accounting System.

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.
ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.
COSTELLO: You just said 9%.
ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...
COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?
ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of  work.
COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.
COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.
COSTELLO: To whom?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.
ABBOTT:  No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment rolls, that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT:   Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment, do ya?
COSTELLO: That would be frightening..
ABBOTT: Absolutely.
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO:  Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT:  Correct.
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
ABBOTT: Bingo.
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.
COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a politician.

;D ;D ;D

How Women Burn Calories in France

 :P :P :P

     Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

     "You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing—after they have tried everything else." - Winston Churchill

1. Where there is a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it 's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we would both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with "Good Evening", then proceed to tell you why it is not.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. It turns out that I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify:" I put 'DOCTOR'.

13. I did not say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money cannot buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There is a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can not get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I am not so sure.

21. You are never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia is not what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there is a will, there are relatives.

And mine is.........

I am supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

;D ;D ;D
"Green is in the mistletoe and red is in the holly
 Silver in the stars above that shine on everybody
 Gold is in the candlelight and crimson in the embers
 White is in the winter night that everyone remembers

White Is In The Winter Night (2008) by Enya
Trixie and Dixie "the twins" are Private Secretary inflatable dolls.
Esperanza is a Tera Patrick inflatable doll.
Feodora is an Anatomical Doll, Face 3 Body 3 Feodora Set 1 Feodora Set 2 Feodora Set 3 Feodora Set 4

Offline noquiexis

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Re: From the Inbox
« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2017, 04:11:08 PM »
When Grandma goes to court

     Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they are not prepared for the answer.

     In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
     She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I have known you since you were a little boy, and frankly, you have been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you are a big shot but you do not have the brains to realize that you will never amount to anything more than a paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

     The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

     She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I have known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He is lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He cannot build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention her cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

     The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I will send you both to the electric chair!"

8) ;) 8)

Pastor's children

     A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.  After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
     After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.
     A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
     After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,  "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He  gives us."
     Silence fell over the congregation.
     In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God,  but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
     The entire congregation said, "Amen."
     Gotta love those senior citizens!

Always ask - Never Assume

     His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
     He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

     'Why?' asked the pilot.

     "Because I'm a photographer for CNN", he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots."

     The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?"

:o :o :o

I found this while shopping for some boots:

Save A Horse Ride A Cowgirl

 :-* :-* :-*

Ever see a train lay its own tracks?
Wimp video

 C:-) C:-) C:-)

     One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful. We were sitting at the breakfast table when I said, "When I die I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
     "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
     "I figure that a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry, and I do not want some other asshole using my stuff."
     She looked at me intently and said, "What makes you think I would marry another asshole?"

;D ;D ;D

This one is for Incred!

Holy cats!

... and rats, too!!

Cats and Mice

 8) ;D 8)

     Watch as magician David Copperfield switches the underwear of two women selected at random from the audience. Amazing!

;D ;D ;D

What an amazing world we live in!

 :-X :-X :-X

     During a recent password audit by  a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:


     When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said, "Hello! It has to be at least eight characters and include at least one capital."

:)) :)) :))

Dirt Devil "Exorcist" commercial

 O0 O0 O0

Understanding Internet Error Codes

 :)) :)) :))

     Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

Two Prostitutes - $50.00

     A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."
     One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"
     "Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains to religion."
     The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car. He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50

 :devil: :devil: :devil:

Question: Is sex Work?[/center]

     A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
     A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
     A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
     A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
     There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?
     Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
     The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked "Why is that?"
     "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." The room fell silent.

:devil: :devil: :devil:

See also:

     Why does this remind me of Davecat's Sidore?

More from [url=]Patrick Sébastien[/url]

 :) :) :)

"People who live in glass houses..."

A Day Made of Glass

Corning 1

Corning 2

Corning 3

German Truck Art

     This is listed as an e-mail hoax, but the pictures are too cool to pass up!


European Plastic Bags

     Here are some fun ways to go shopping. For more, see the website.

     This was not in my inbox, but I did not want to start another topic just now. I picked up Disney's animated feature Brave after seeing a part of it while out shopping. It is a cute story about a medieval Scottish princess (a firey redhead) who wants to get out of a forced marriage.

     From the Crazy Cerdits page:
"The final credit is headed Production Babies and is followed by a list of 68 given names (including a set of twins) of children born to members of the production team during filming."  Damn! What were they doing all that time?  :devil:

     Kelly Macdonald is the voice of  Merida, the princess. picture

     Julie Walters (voice of The Witch) mentions the Wickerman Festival and Stornoway, Scotland

     The movie reminded me of Incred, who is very interested in Scottish culture, language, and music. Merida's fire-red hair helped a bit, too!  ;)

Touch the Sky
Performed by Julie Fowlis

 8) ;) 8)

from: incred at
« Reply #63 on: March 28, 2013, 09:27:56 PM »

I got one of these for my granddaughter!

 8) ;) 8)
"Green is in the mistletoe and red is in the holly
 Silver in the stars above that shine on everybody
 Gold is in the candlelight and crimson in the embers
 White is in the winter night that everyone remembers

White Is In The Winter Night (2008) by Enya
Trixie and Dixie "the twins" are Private Secretary inflatable dolls.
Esperanza is a Tera Patrick inflatable doll.
Feodora is an Anatomical Doll, Face 3 Body 3 Feodora Set 1 Feodora Set 2 Feodora Set 3 Feodora Set 4

Offline noquiexis

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Re: From the Inbox
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2017, 04:22:55 PM »
     Incred's picture links: (good eye, Incred!)

     One of the problems that I run into is that some websites (like have code that prevents hot-linking to forums and social media websites. The pictures show up when we format the posts, but show the dreaded red X when we look at the posted message. take my word for it and follow the links!

8) 8) 8)

     Here are a couple more images that I thought might be of interest:

Something Unexpected


Lava skull (<-- URL, no hotlinking)
Copy this link and paste it into another browser window or tab.

:) :) :)

     This has been around for a while, but I just found out about it through an e-mail.

     Just for Laughs Gags is The French - Canadian version of Candid Camera

M.C. Escher's staircase

Myth busted!

But it is fun to watch!

 ;D ;D ;D

     This one has been around a while, but it can still give you a chuckle.

The Ostrich

     A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
     The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
     "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
     A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please."
     The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
     The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
     The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
     Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again.
     "The usual?" asks the waitress.
     "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
     "Same," says the ostrich.
     Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
     Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
     "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
     "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
     "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
     The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
     The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

;D ;D ;D

Have you tried a Camel?

Three out of five men who have tried Camels ...

Camel (cigarette)
(not this kind of camel)

( not Joe Camel either)

... prefer women!

Camel toe pictures

You have to wonder about the other two out of the five.  :whistle:

 ;D ;D ;D

Iceland Fashion Shoot

     I have been following Karl Taylor's photography tips and videos for a while. He did a fashion shoot in Iceland. As he put it, "Sometimes things don't go to plan!" Watch the video and see if you agree.

     When the professionals have trouble, it makes us amateurs feel better about our own work! I hope the model got some big bucks for her part in this!

;D ;) ;D

Mind over Mechanics

Falcon in a tree

 8) ;D 8)

You are here:

From here you can find your own way home:

Got time for a bite?

from: Turn Your Hoodie Into A Popcorn Holder

Just another day out shopping.

 :-\ :-\ :-\

Embarrassing Medical Exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . ."My wife's going to have her baby in the cab."
     I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco

2.  At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
     "Big breaths,", I instructed.
     "Yes, they used to be,", replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
     Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with One of his medications.
     "Which one?'. .. . I asked.
     "The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
     I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
     Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
     After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
     "It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste. Bob replied.
      I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
     When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
     Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,


8.  As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
     The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
     I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
     She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard. "No doctor but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

Dr. wouldn't submit his name....


Baby's First Doctor Visit

     A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
     The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
     "Breast-fed," she replied..
     "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
     She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
     Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
     "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came!"

;D ;D ;D

Boston Area Crow Deaths

     Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.  A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

     The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

     MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:  when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.  They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

;D ;D ;D

"Green is in the mistletoe and red is in the holly
 Silver in the stars above that shine on everybody
 Gold is in the candlelight and crimson in the embers
 White is in the winter night that everyone remembers

White Is In The Winter Night (2008) by Enya
Trixie and Dixie "the twins" are Private Secretary inflatable dolls.
Esperanza is a Tera Patrick inflatable doll.
Feodora is an Anatomical Doll, Face 3 Body 3 Feodora Set 1 Feodora Set 2 Feodora Set 3 Feodora Set 4

Offline noquiexis

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Re: From the Inbox
« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2017, 04:24:16 PM »

     "For 8 years, Michael Marten has been taking photos from different spots of the British coast line, documenting the daily rhythms of the tides. This gave way to a special landscape project. Marten took photos of the same locations 8 and 16 hours apart, and showed the contrast between those images, a work displaying the dynamic nature of the tides and how landscape can be drastically different on a daily basis."

:) :) :)

From Mitsy_the_cat:

A Man Takes A Single Rake to The Beach
When You Zoom Out And See It’ll Blow Your Mind!

youtube video

 8) 8) 8)

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 32.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month..

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....
#1- You can get a silencer for a gun.

     Also see these videos:

Benjamin Von Wong
from: Surreal Underwater Photo Shoot with Freedivers on a Shipwreck in Bali

These are real women (trained divers), and NO Photoshop!

youTube video

8) 8) 8)

Here are links to the pictures in numerical order:


Picture 1


Picture 2


Picture 3


Picture 4


Picture 5


Picture 6


Picture 7

 ;D ;D ;D

     A daughter is visiting her father and is helping in the kitchen.  She asks: "Tell me dad, how are you managing with the new iPad we gave you for your birthday?" This clip is spoken in German but it's totally understandable in any language.

^-^ :o ^-^

Here is a gymnast that can inspire anyone!

Kacy Catanzaro

 :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:

How true , something to think about.

Empty Pickle Jar

 O:-) O:-) O:-)

This is Kseniya Simonova, and she’s the talent of Ukraine Got Talent.
Kseniya Simonova on Ukraine Got Talent

 :thumb: ;) :thumb:

Jen Bricker

Beautiful, talented, driven.

 :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:

50 of the Most Beautiful Women Actresses

     Great pictures that span a lifetime of movie viewing for many of us.  Great music too! The 50 most beautiful women of yesterday and today are shown in the below link. Check it out and enjoy. You will find it very interesting, especially to be amazed how this was done.

     My comment in reply: "GOLD!"

     Explanation: Years ago I read somewhere that a psychologist (I forget who) made the comment "Gold is the excrement of the gods". Therefore "GOLD!" = "Holy Shit!"  ;D

Signature of "Quantus" on that forum:

<(o)> <(o)>
       / \
     (o o)

:D :D :D

Just in time for Halloween

Scorpoin chair


Want drama?

 :o :o :o

For all the teachers and school administrators:

Maroochydore High School in Queensland, Australia answering machine

 ;D ;D ;D

     "There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."

     A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthesia shot.
     "No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed. So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!"
     The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
     "No," he says, "I'm fine with pills." So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.
     "What are those?" he asked.
     "Viagra," she replied.
     "I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
     "It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

VW Factory - Germany

The Ferrari factory in Maranello Italy

     If you ever thought the treadmill was boring, think again! Some people seem to enjoy life more than others. This guy has got the market cornered!

From ABC News - Low-tech solution to high-tech credit card theft. No joke!

     If you cannot see the video, the suggestion is to wrap your credit cards in aluminum foil. Cheap, but effective!

Catholic Hair Dryer

     In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings: Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

     An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
     "Of course child. What may I do for you?"
     "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I"m afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
     "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
     "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
     When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
     "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
     "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
     The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
     Winking mischievously, the Priest replied, "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
     Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

    ;D 8) ;D

Re: From the Inbox

« Reply #126 on: November 18, 2014, 09:22:33 PM »

Ana Yang performing with bubbles.

Victorian Cosplay

    ;D 8) ;D

    « Reply #128 on: November 26, 2014, 09:10:01 PM »
The Night of Thanksgiving







 ;D ;D ;D

 « Reply #130 on: September 05, 2015, 06:47:34 PM »
      This is for those of you of my generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists.

     Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day I go down to the street & tell the neighbors what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before & what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, my garden &, of course, a 'selfie' or two. I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.

And it works...............................

     I already have four people following me. Two police constables, a psychiatrist & a case worker from the Council.

;D :P ;D

« Reply #131 on: September 07, 2015, 08:39:07 PM »

     This was not in my inbox, but on the news broadcast. This was apparently inspired, at least in part, by the Free the Nipple movie (2014) by Lina Esco. From "Free the Nipple Walk":

"'Free the Nipple' equality movement comes to Kentucky
Posted: Sat 10:24 AM, Sep 05, 2015

LOUISVILLE, Ky. (WKYT) -  Thanks to a high school student, a national equality movement will be coming to Kentucky this weekend.

The "Free the Nipple Walk" equality march will take place today in Louisville. The walk is part of a growing movement across the county that aims to raise awareness against female oppression and censorship.

According to WKLY in Louisville, Nan Elpers, 18, is the main reason the walk is happening. Elpers says she first learned about the movement through her gender studies class. After seeing how successful the walk was in other cities around the country, Elpers made it her goal to bring the event to Kentucky.

Elpers told WLKY that she originally invited a few friends on Facebook to see if they would be interested. It quickly gained attention and the following day, numerous people had been invited.

Now, over 500 people said they will be taking part in the walk. Unlike typical marches or walks, most participants in "Free the Nipple Walk" are expected to be topless.

Although hundreds of people are expected to be topless, Elders told WLKY that the walk is meant to bring awareness to equality for women.

The walk is free to the public and begins at 11 a.m. at Willow Park, near Eastern Parkway in Louisville.

:drool: :drool: :drool:
"Green is in the mistletoe and red is in the holly
 Silver in the stars above that shine on everybody
 Gold is in the candlelight and crimson in the embers
 White is in the winter night that everyone remembers

White Is In The Winter Night (2008) by Enya
Trixie and Dixie "the twins" are Private Secretary inflatable dolls.
Esperanza is a Tera Patrick inflatable doll.
Feodora is an Anatomical Doll, Face 3 Body 3 Feodora Set 1 Feodora Set 2 Feodora Set 3 Feodora Set 4